I am Lying, Because I Still Can't Completely Let It Go

I had a little chat with a friend past 3 days ago. Someone who I had not contacted for quite sometimes. However, I did took effort of looking him and his girlfriend up last month when I dropped by at my hometown. And that is how we managed to get connected again through Facebook...Huh, the power of ICT.

Anyway, we had a little bit of chatting session until his line somehow got distracted. Well, what can we say about our network here. Promise that is a first class when we signed up, but eventually received a third class service...haiz... So the conversation happened to discuss about our life, the people surrounded us, so on and so for until he suddenly asked me, "Do you still contact with MS L?". I was taken aback by this question. Then he told me that he saw her last month with her boyfriend. And that is where our conversation get distracted.

After such conversation, I think back on this topic of discussion. As the matter of fact, I really did not wish to bring this matter up. I lied to myself that I do not want to get caught in the past, as I had decided long ago that I had to let this feeling go. But then, do I really let go of everything? I guessed that I would be lying if I said yes. I am not sure of myself, as after I decide to let go of her, I never really meet her again. As such, I never really know whether the feeling is still there, or I am just hiding it some where deep in my heart.

Unlike my first relationship, when I started to break up, it took me quite sometimes to get over with it. At that time, I was like what I am feeling right now. It was until I met up with her that I can decide that yes, I had completely let go. So, perhaps if I had the opportunity to see her again, then I can reaffirmed my own feeling of whether I had completely let go of it, or I am still hoping for something which is beyond my reach.

It was only until then that I can proceed with my own life. Till date, I always told my friend that getting into a relationship is not my priority, and it is not important to me. I guessed that another lie I created to cover my own weakness. In fact, the reason I refused to look for a soul mate is because I can't take another broken heart again. People always told me, should you be involved in a relationship, you must must have to ability to carry it, and have the courage to let it go. I think I am lack of it. Which make me a person not suitable to get involved in a relationship.